I’ve always had problems with accepting things as they are. I don’t know if it arises form harbouring residual brain-washed American ideals, the mistaken need to feel in control of things that I’m clearly not in control of, or just a deep seated character flaw. Regardless of its origin, it remains a defining quality. On account of it, I’ve lost friends and my career has suffered many times. Conversely, I think it’s partly what kept me going with bouldering and it definitely contributed to what finally drew me away. I used to think it was a driving force behind me which was both good and bad in equal measure and that it would abate with time and maybe a bit of stability. Right now, I view it as a source of unhappiness. At times I actively wish I could just give in; quit, leave, give up, run away, anything but deal with it; accept it. But ultimately it’s clever enough to find your hiding spot and it more likely than not has grown bigger.
I want a bit of peace above all else and it yet it feels the furthest away from me.