Idus Martiae

Getting through winter has always been a bit of a battle for me. The long cold nights combined with very few climbing opportunities leave me with little to be happy about. This year being injured has added to the joy. One mantra that I constantly repeat to keep myself going is ‘it will be better in the spring’. As early spring approaches, I usually begin to have pangs that it won’t be.

As I said before, it is difficult to want things. Want leaves you open to disappointment and hurt to name just a few potential problems. I believe that many times wanting something that is important to you stems from a deep seated self belief and I am now coming to the conclusion that this self belief is infinitely more complicated than want. Can you ever objectively see yourself?

I am very uncomfortable with believing in myself. I have seen myself mess up way too many times to think otherwise, yet if you ever want to accomplish anything of note, you have to. If you choose to ignore something that you want badly enough, it will haunt your dreams and wake you in the middle of the night. It’s as if your subconscious mind has no care for the trappings of narcissism. It simply sees something that you are good at and picks it regardless of the costs. Just when you start to have reservations, it stabs with a force great enough to make you realise those doubts are less important than what you ultimately want.

Unless you can truly let go of wanting, you are fated to believe in yourself.