Going Missing

I started my course a few weeks ago and nothing has been quite the same.

I like what I’m doing for once, but of course it’s not without difficulty. Adjusting to a new schedule, having tons of work to do, worrying about what next; it’s been a big change. I sometimes feel like I’m no longer cut out for it and wonder if I ever was.

A few weekends ago while out bouldering I came to the realisation that I have dedicated more time to bouldering than I have to any single project, except for school. It was both an interesting and worrying thought in equal measure. At times I put my entire life into it and it’s not as though I feel that I have been successful. Yet still, I persist. In fact it was all that kept me going at a few points.

Now that I am the equivalent of a V0- climber in science, I find myself questioning my motivations. Why am I putting myself through this? At times it is difficult to accept that you can do better, but it is even worse to think that you can’t.