The Hollow Woman

Two weeks ago I got back from Font, where I scarcely did any climbing. Since then I was entirely occupied by a project for uni and subsequently I got the death flu that’s going around. This meant that I didn’t eat a full meal or sleep for a complete night in two weeks.

I finally dragged myself back to the wall and had the worst session I could ever imagine. It was so bad that I actually considered giving up completely. I felt as though the simplest moves were impossible and my body just ached.

I can’t blame it all on being ill. Yes, my rubbishness was exaggerated by being ill, but even worse I think that’s where I’m headed. I’ve lost quite a bit of strength through not regularly climbing. My course has been taking up a ton of time, as I thought it would and I have exams in exactly a month’s time, so I won’t be able to devote any time to climbing until afterwards. But will it be too late.

While I was floundering on the easiest stuff I couldn’t help but think about how difficult it would be to get back to where I was, let alone better. For the first time, I felt as though I didn’t know if it would be worth it.

I guess I always had in the back of my mind, no, I’m not good, but I can get a bit better. That has completely gone and along with it my motivation. I don’t take kindly to bimbling. I think it’s a waste of time. I have never climbed ‘for the fun of it’ (or at least not as an ultimate goal). Climbing is an all out battle. It exists only in those moments of complete intensity and sharpness, pushing - no willing myself to do what I cannot. For the moment that’s out of the question.

And to add to the joy, my shoulder is a mess from writing all the time.

Argh…

And just for Peter - here's your link ;-)

Of Gates and Doorways

Poised on the transition between the beginning and end, I am finding January rather a struggle.

It’s been a month of invoking old demons, battling wars that should have long finished but even in this state of change, an uncomfortable yet growing hope has been born. There is clarity to be had when all seems uncertain, the focus afforded by the intensity of the moment.

I question why change if it often seems too much. Paradoxically this is only ever resolved by admitting that giving up didn’t work.

Snowy Font

I have never gotten on with Font at the best of times, but lack of funds and dictated holiday periods made Bleau in January sound like not too bad an idea.

We arrived late on Saturday and woke up to cold, but decent conditions on Sunday. Still tired from our trip we wandered around nearby Buthiers scoping out potential projects. Sadly, this was to be our best day out. It snowed on Tuesday and the temperature never got above -5C.


The rest of the week was spent attempting to clean problems and giving up in despair as you can never seem to get all of the ice off the slopers and given that this is Font, nearly every problem contains at least one requisite sloper. Also, our fingers and toes would pretty much go instantly numb. One day our car thermometer registered 12F (-11C) in the afternoon!

I did however manage to find this gem with big sharp holds way off circuit at Isatis. Yes, I found the only pocketed overhang in all of Font, but sadly, it’s just a 6a+.

Angle Incidence, Isatis

Here’s a video if you’re interested. I don’t top out in it as the last sloper was gathering a lot of ice by the time that I got around to recording it and I didn’t fancy slipping off it and landing on my back.

It was nice to get away, but equally, I don’t feel in a rush to go back. Is it just me or is Font not all that it’s made out to be? I will admit, the general style of climbing (technical, tedious, err… tenuous) was never my thing, but all those boulders… and I don’t want to climb any of them… except maybe Carnage, but I’m not standing in a queue to boulder.

Happy Holidays

Wishing you the best for the new year.

It Should Be Easy… Shouldn’t It?

A V4 that really ought to be easier than it is!
© Sarah Clough

I have this odd notion fixed in my head that if you are good at something, you don’t have to work very hard for it. In practice, I know the complete opposite.

I think that ability or whatever only gets you so far, the rest is just plain hard work.

But how much should one have to work? I spent the past week non-stop studying. It wasn’t a pretty sight and it caused me to question, if I have to work this hard – I must be rubbish and I should give up now. Can it really be worth it?

But this can’t be right. People work for years on developing theories, solving problems, understanding things and by definition – they were good enough.

It’s difficult to know how much to expect or how far to push it.

I guess it’s about perspective. On one end you end up never being satisfied, always looking for the unobtainable. On the other, you set your sights too low and never push yourself.

Hmm… I guess another way of looking at it is, if something really is that easy, is it worth doing?

I suspect the things that drive you and comprise you are long fought, hard won and never easy.

Break

A lot of this blog is taken up with posts about not climbing on account of injury, bad weather or most recently due to a hectic schedule. Generally this has quite a negative impact on my climbing.

Oddly enough, after my most recent break, I don’t seem to be a million miles away from where I left off. I’ve been away from regular training for well over two months now, but I might even go so far as to say that the break was slightly beneficial.

Here is a (somewhat boring) video of me at The Arch this weekend.



The V5 took one session to do and the V6 two; not too bad. I also ticked another V5 that took two sessions, but popped a pad on my finger, so no video for that one.

I like the initial heel hook move on the V6 and it seems to suit me. The wild dyno at the top and subsequent awkward hand matching isn’t the regular flowing sequence. It just works for me.


I haven’t been outside in ages though and that it really depressing.

I did however manage to get some mountain biking in at Swinley forest on Sunday. Cool crisp air and frosted earth. It’s not bouldering, but it’s not a million miles away either.

Silencio

In a desperate attempt to regain lost strength, not to mention dignity, I ventured to my wall tonight, expecting nothing more than a few V4’s.

I got a V5 that I failed last time on the first go and did a lap on it just to make sure, but even more surprising was the V6 that I did every move save the last and to make it even sweeter, I found out that I was adding moves to the start that weren’t necessary (though I feel it’s a much better problems with the gratuitous sideways campus move ;-)).

Seeing as I haven’t been climbing in ages and I was actually feeling very, very tired tonight, what was different?

First, it was quiet.

It seems as though the word is out and my favourite wall is no longer a secret. Good for business, bad for concentration.

Sometimes even utterly inconsequential V5s at the wall require a huge effort for me. I often have to put so much of myself into it; probably too much. I find it extremely difficult to do so if I’m being distracted. I have to dig deep and focus, silly as it sounds.

It is actually part of what I enjoy most about bouldering, the ability to commit and focus yourself 100% on something that seems impossible and ultimately (err… hopefully) seeing it through. It just doesn’t work for me in crowded room.

The other big difference is simply wanting it. After a layoff I always forget just how much you need to want something and the more difficult it is, the more you have to want it.

I still have a way to go, but maybe I’ve not lost quite as much as I thought I had.

Yo estaba bien por un tiempo,
volviendo a sonreír.

Long, Long Time Ago…

Well it’s been ages since I’ve been climbing, even indoors. I think that this is the second longest period of time off that I’ve had since I began; the longest of course being the shoulder injury saga.

Looking through my training diary, I’ve managed about 9 sessions in two months. Ugh. I’m hoping that once life settles down, I can return to at least three sessions a week. Last time I went to the wall I was still flashing V4 and struggling with V5s. It’s not exactly the end of the world, but I have a lot of work to do. Sad to say but there really is something missing in my life.

I’ve been keeping up with a bit of cardio from my daily cycle commute. It’s only about 8km round trip, but it’s better than nothing. I try to fit some running in when I can, but the weather and darkness is very much against me.

My shoulder has been causing me a ton of pain lately. I always envisaged taking autumn off, but I thought it would be good for my shoulder. I never realised how badly it would be affected by being cramped in a desk writing all day. I’ve been trying to keep up with my exercises, but I haven’t had much success. I think a return trip to the physio is in order, if I can find the time, not to mention money.

This autumn / winter was always going to be a major challenge. I suppose there was comfort when things were ambiguous. Now, looking at the challenges in black and white, I wonder if it was worth it. But I always come back to the conclusion – what other option was there.

Familiar from a Distance

For as long as I can remember, I have experienced a neurological hiccup called Synesthesia. Often, when I think of a number, it appears in my head associated with a consistent colour (one is white, two is red, three is light green, etc.). I have a similar experience with letters and sometimes short combinations of letters and numbers (eg. 4a, V5, ErbB-1, 4-OHT, days of the week, months, etc.) produce a similar effect.

Apparently, it has little meaning outside the notion that it is one possible way to wire a brain. I don’t see it as an advantage or disadvantage; it just is. But equally, I would miss it if I woke up one day to find it gone.

So why bother mentioning it? Well, it’s a good example of something that despite its consistency isn’t really there. When I hold it up to close scrutiny, it immediately disappears; yet, I still know that it does exist. I suppose it’s something of a cognitive sandcastle.

For me, belief in ability follows a very similar pattern. “Of course I can…” / “what the heck was I thinking??”. Neither is real, yet they do influence a host of things as far reaching as motivation to the mundane, like crag selection.

I feel at times that I can achieve what I set out to do and align up my life in way which makes failure very difficult. It is who I am. Despite the obvious drawbacks, other modes don’t suit me. Yet, what is this all based on – something that I can’t even put my finger on – and therein lies the flaw and my current pursuit; to make these things more material, to have something to point to. However given the set up, I know that if I was ever to find such a thing, I would have already moved on to the next.

No, it doesn’t always make me happy, but not trying doesn’t either.

You did however chose it for a reason.

Autumn Redemption

Whilst perusing my filing cabinet for paper to cannibalise as scrap, I came across a letter that I had long since forgotten about.

It listed how I was more than academically qualified to continue my studies, however despite even having a UK visa, it wasn’t the right kind. This took years to rectify and I did lose hope for quite a while, not to mention a bit of my sanity.

As I mentioned a while back, I tend to forget stuff like this. It gets lumped into ‘think that I don’t want to think about’ category and is packaged away to some dark chasm in my mind, but what it leaves behind is emptiness. I feel like I lost out on years of my life – as if I was doing nothing, but this is far from true.

I fought a ridiculously drawn out battle and yes, I did lose a bit of myself in the process.

I recently joined the ranks of London cycle commuters and it is well… a challenge. Earlier in the week however my trip in went great and the morning sun was a perfect autumn gold. I think that I stumbled upon a bit of peace in the shadow of the A40 flyover.

DNA repair made easy by Jenn

I have a sense of purpose that bouldering was never able to give me. It always left me feeling empty and wanting more. Saying this, however, it did give me the ability to believe in myself when that time had long past, which is why ultimately I don’t want to distance myself from it too much.

I’ve taken a few weeks off from training. I kinda always planned on doing such and besides, the weather is absolute rubbish this time of year, but I’ll be back. I don’t give up that easily.

Going Missing

I started my course a few weeks ago and nothing has been quite the same.

I like what I’m doing for once, but of course it’s not without difficulty. Adjusting to a new schedule, having tons of work to do, worrying about what next; it’s been a big change. I sometimes feel like I’m no longer cut out for it and wonder if I ever was.

A few weekends ago while out bouldering I came to the realisation that I have dedicated more time to bouldering than I have to any single project, except for school. It was both an interesting and worrying thought in equal measure. At times I put my entire life into it and it’s not as though I feel that I have been successful. Yet still, I persist. In fact it was all that kept me going at a few points.

Now that I am the equivalent of a V0- climber in science, I find myself questioning my motivations. Why am I putting myself through this? At times it is difficult to accept that you can do better, but it is even worse to think that you can’t.

Slow Week

This was rather a bad week for training as I have mostly been occupied with the start of my course. I did however manage to make it down to The Arch a couple of times.

Here's a (rather poor) video if you’re that bored.



I like this V5. It suits my style (whatever that is – indoor slightly crimpy overhanging stuff?). I now try to do it a few times a session for power endurance training as its rather pumpy.

Hopefully once the schedule settles down I can begin anew. Actually, I need to start working on a proper training plan again as despite my best effort to abuse it, the shoulder remains relatively intact.

It’s actually quite daunting to consider that things might be going OK for a change.

I’m starting my course, my shoulder is mostly OK, finger is completely fine, they actually brought real boulders to London – surely I’m about to be hit by a bus?