Want

I’ve been so down lately that only now that things are slightly picking up can I see just how disheartened I have become.

When I first read The Old Man in the Sea, none of it made sense to me. I’ve never been good with letting go and therefore the inherent meaning of the story just seemed bizarre.

For those who never read it, the general gist is something like this… an old man, who makes his living from fishing in the Gulf Stream off the shores of Cuba, finds that his fish stocks are drying up. It becomes more and more imperative for him to get a big catch as monetary pressures mount. He is convinced, driven by blind faith in his fishing instinct, that he can turn things around and land the biggest fish known to man. He does indeed catch a huge marlin, but the battle takes everything out of him and leaves him practically broken. On account of the strife, his small skiff, which was built for coastal waters, drifted out into the open ocean. As he struggles against the waves to try to make his way back to shore, various carnivorous fish eat away at the enormous fish that he caught. The fisherman is so weakened by events that he cannot pull the fish on board and by the time he reaches shallow water only bones and gristle remain. His dream has become a gruesome banner, warning against trying to make the impossible real.

The fisherman believed so strongly in his ability to win, that he became blind to the notion of failure; even when it was more than evident to the reader. He wanted something, and wasn’t about to give up. He couldn’t let go.

Want is inherently risky and leaves you open to all sorts of problems, but equally, what are we if we don’t want anything? Why does anyone endeavour to improve their lot? It is hard work and often goes wrong. Isn’t it easier to just bimble along with our heads down? Of course it is, but it’s not what makes me happy. Since I’ve been depressed, I’ve not aspired to anything. I’ve just wanted to give up – what’s the point if for every step that you take forward, you end up two behind? Even hope was too painful.

Surely this is not the state to be in either? I feel that I often define myself by what I want – what drives me. I always want something else, something more. Where would civilization be if we never sought for things to be different? I suspect we would have all died of a horrid disease a long time ago. I guess there does however come a point when this motivation can get the better of you. Obviously some things aren’t meant to be.

The trick is in choosing what to want. However want comes from belief and belief is rarely based on rationality.

I’m starting to think that want is good, but not always. Maybe I should also consider what I have a bit more.

I never thought it was going to be an easy life...